We live in boxes. We behave in a certain way and expect the expected reaction. We try. We try hard to regulate, to control things.To smile when we don’t want to. To ‘channelize’ our anger. To look good. To appear smart. To control the results. To achieve. The peculiar part is we tend to control even we are supposedly ‘letting things flow.’ We consciously or unconsciously expect when we say we are not expecting anything. We always aim for the perfect- the perfect result, the perfect body, the perfect skin, the perfect state of mind and god knows so many other perfects. This made me wonder why cant we just.. be? Why cant I just be.
These were my thoughts when I sat down in one of the monuments of the beautiful Lodhi Gardens. I went there alone this morning for I wanted to sit silently. What usually happens with me when I sit alone silently is that I always have an aim in mind. To achieve something- To become calmer, to reach the ‘inner self’, to focus, reach a conclusion, to decide on something. I try hard to achieve that aim, to meet the expectations- till the point of obsession. Today, I dont know how or why this did not happen. I just let things be; I just let myself be. Walked when I wanted to. Watched the birds. Listened to music. Sang out aloud randomly without thinking of who is around. Sat down again. Walked again. Mused. Drank tea. Had pakoras. I did what I wanted to do at that moment and was fully into that I dint try to attain clarity of my thoughts, I dint try to reach a conclusion, I dint try to control. In short, I dint expect anything out of that silent time.
And did this lead me anywhere? No. It did not. But sometimes, that’s the whole point. You do things not as a means to something- but as an end in itself. Everything doesn’t need to be a calculated step to something else. I dont know if those three hours made me clearer or calmer but it definitely made me feel happier, fuller, it made me feel more me. And all that I did was just..be. I sat and walked and sat and walked.